Sometimes...

A girl just needs to feel loved.  After the last two weeks being so horrible, I decided to pamper myself.  Have wrapped myself in my John Cena blanket and am cuddling my Shawn Michaels bear.  Yeah, it's pitiful, but it makes me feel better.  Oh, did I forget to mention the fudge peanut butter cookies and hot cuppa?  I am now returning myself to my previously scheduled broadcast--music that is at least twenty years or more older.  Sometimes, we really need to remember to pamper ourselves, even if everyone else thinks we are crazy!

Thank You, Shawn Michaels

This post has been a long time in the writing. It has taken, quite literally, months, for me to find the words to verbalize my feelings. For those people who don't know me, I am a wrestling fan, and have been since the tender age of seven. As a teenager, I loved The Rockers. They had style, charisma, and they were VERY easy on the eyes! But then, suddenly, Shawn and Marty were no longer a team, and I completely lost all respect for Shawn.

Fast forward several years. Shawn is part of a highly successful stable called D-Generation X. He is cocky, rude, brash. He makes crude jokes. I absolutely loathe him. I even cheer when I see his face get raked across the chain-link siding of the "Hell in a Cell" cage. But then, after years of success and celebrity, Shawn leaves the business, and I am quite happy to forget about him.

Fast forward again several years. I am happy to watch my wrestling every week, even look forward to it. Then something odd happens. The man that I loathed, Shawn Michaels, returns to the squared-circle. I watch, with much trepidation, as he returns to the business that I love as my own. And strangely, I feel myself drawn to him. He has changed in these last few years away from the business. He has developed morals, he has found goodness and decency in his life. And, rather oddly, he refuses to compromise any of his ideals for the Chairman of the Board, Mr. Vincent McMahon. The more I listened to Shawn's story, the more intrigued I became.

I think what impressed me most about Shawn was that, during his time away from wrestling, he "found God". Now, I'm not going to delve into whether I believe in his God or not. I am going to say that this man believed so much in his faith that he told his boss that he would not compromise those beliefs by swearing, being hateful, or disrespect his wife and family by taking part in stories that were degrading to them, and himself. I know that he drew a lot of criticism for his values, but he didn't bow to the pressure of society.

Suddenly, this man that I had loathed for so many years, was a wonderful human being in my eyes. I watched as the industry made fun of him for his personal show of faith. When he would enter the ring, he would drop to his knees and give praise to his God, on camera, in front of millions of fans. At one point, so much was made over this that Shawn was in a tag-team handicap match, himself and God against Vince and Shane McMahon, and Triple H. Of course, the "story" was that Shawn and God lost. I truly believe that Shawn was the winner, for never compromising himself.

I continued to follow Shawn's career. Last September was the last time I was able to see a live WWE show. Shawn and Triple H had reformed D-X, as it was now referred to, and they put on one hell of a show. They had a match during the televised show, and after the cameras were off, they had another match with John Cena against Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase Jr., and Cody Rhodes. Once the match was over, the "good guys" (Cena, Triple H, and Shawn) went around the ring, shaking hands, giving high-fives, signing autographs and taking pictures. At one point, Cena was getting ready to leave the arena to go backstage. In my heart, I know he was exhausted after having been in three (!) matches that night. There was a group of severely handicapped fans in the arena who let Shawn know that they wanted pictures with Cena. Shawn went running after Cena, pulled him back to those fans, and made sure they got their pictures. Now I know that to many people, this will sound like a silly story. But in my eyes, this made Shawn even more lovable. Instead of letting his ego be hurt that these fans wanted to see a different wrestler, he made their dreams come true. And the fact that he did not brush off these fans, who were so obviously "different", touched my heart in a profound way.

Shawn Michaels retired this April, after losing to Undertaker at Wrestlemania 26. In my heart, I knew that he was going to lose that match, which would force his retirement. And I cried. I cried that the industry was losing such a wonderful entertainer and man. I cried that I would never get to see him wrestle again. And I cried, knowing how this man had helped shape my life in the last few years, that I had spent so much time, so many years ago, loathing him. Because Shawn was so honest about his God and his religious beliefs, I was able to be honest about my own beliefs, not only with myself, but with family and friends.

So, thank you, Shawn Michaels. Thank you for your courage, your bravery, your showmanship. Thank you for helping to make me the woman I am today. I love you, and Goddess bless you on the rest of your journey.

Just for Today...

I will remember that my true friends and family are the people who love me unconditionally, regardless of my beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. The rest... can sail away on the river of their own realities....

So, it's been a while since I posted anything. I started back to work the end of January, and life has been extremely chaotic. I promised a blog on my family, so here goes.

I've been married for nearly 13 years. I met my husband, Charles, when I was in my last month of university. Meeting him was like opening a doorway in my life that I never knew existed. He opened my eyes to so many things, and made me see that I am a worthwhile person, worthy of love. Marriage is never perfect, but I can honestly say that we don't fight. We have similar interests, and the differences we do have keep things fresh.

Our first child was born nearly one year after we married. Nickolas is 11, and at this age I see so much of myself in him. He is the oldest of three boys, and he has always been a big help with his brothers. He doesn't take criticism very easily. He's very compassionate. He adores music; he plays trumpet in band and sings tenor/alto in choir, and he is a genius at Rock Hero. He loves animals, and we would have our own zoo if I would let him. He loves his brothers, and babies in general, and would love for us to have more kids (not happening!). Sometimes I have to remind myself that he is a child, and not my confidante.

Our second son, Christopher, followed 19 months later. He was so different from Nick when he was born, but I just kept telling myself that all children are different. When he was 19 months old, it was like someone flipped a switch in my child; he quit talking, waving "bye bye", and making eye contact with us. We started testing on him, and right around the time I conceived our youngest child, Chris was diagnosed with Autism. This is not going to turn into a who's right or wrong post; these are just my opinions. Immunizations DID NOT cause my son to have Autism. He was different from birth. We were very blessed to get Chris into some wonderful therapies, and he learned to talk again. At this time, he is in fourth grade and thriving! He still has problems with social interactions, but we work with him on that. He is a straight A student, so very smart. I would have never dreamed that he could come this far when he was first diagnosed.

Our third son, Tristan, was born in the fall of 2002. Nick was so excited about another baby. I, however, was not so excited. Now, don't think for a moment that I don't love this child with all my heart, because I do. We had decided that we weren't going to have any more kids, and my husband and I were both using protection, but sometimes things happen for a reason. While I was pregnant, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to love Tristan the way I loved my other boys. From the first second I saw him, I was in love. He is a boy's boy, but he is also my boy. He is extremely outgoing, very rough-and-tumble, and so funny that he makes me laugh out loud. He has known since he was three years old that he wants to be a professional wrestler, excuse me, sports entertainer. He trains for this daily, and is very serious about going to wrestling school, but only after college because "wrestlers can't be stupid, Mom".

This brings me to the newest addition to our home, my nephew, Tony. He is my husband's brother's son, and he came to us last summer. He and his parents were having a lot of problems, and Tony had left home. When I found out about this, he had been gone nearly three weeks, and his mother, with whom I work, had no idea where he was. We called Tony and told him he had a place live with us. I was certainly not ready for the trials and tribulations of a teenager! Tony is 17, and he has never had a good relationship with his parents, no boundaries, no respect, anger management issues, etc. That has carried over to living with us. I feel like I'm beating my head against a concrete wall with him. There are truly days when I think about packing up my three boys and leaving; I don't do it because I can't, won't leave my husband. I know teenagers are a trial, but this child makes it so hard to love him. I simply don't know what to do with him.

Well, that is the immediate family covered. The extended family... that's another story for another night.

We had our first snowfall of the year yesterday. Barely 3/4 of an inch, but it was enough to paralyze the small hamlet we live in. School was cancelled for Thursday and today, and all of my boys were quite thrilled about it! Not so much mom and dad. It's been really bitter cold for this part of the south; today's high was 17 F, tonight is supposed to be 9 F. I look forward to the warming of the spring, though not the summer.

I'm still trying to decide where I'm going with this journal. I don't want to turn it into a list of complaints, as so many often are. I do want to use it as an introspective tool, maybe work out some of the ideas I believe in, talk about my children and family.

One of the big things that defines me is my beliefs. For a long time, I thought I was Wiccan. Over the last several months, I have come to realize that I am not Wiccan, though still pagan. And there are many ideas from other cultures that have made their way into my beliefs. I believe in male and female divinity, though not a huge pantheon. Nature is sacred. I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated. There is more for me to learn, much more. When we stop learning, we stop living.

I just stepped outside, and the flurries have started again. Now to get the children to stop fighting, and settled in bed. My next post I'll talk about my family.