Crazy

That's how I feel right now, crazy.  I'm tired of everything and everyone, I want it ALL to go away.  No, I'm not suicidal.  I'm just fed up with life, my life, and everyone in it.  I want a vacation, I NEED a vacation.  I need some sand, the smell of the surf, the sight and sound of the ocean on the rocks.  I don't need sun, I've never needed that.  I positively ache for this sensory overload.

My children came home from school this afternoon, no different from any other school day, loud and boisterous, and demanding of my full attention.  All three of them wanting to talk at the same time, so ending up yelling to be heard.  After settling them, getting snacks, listening to their day, I asked them to start chores.  Ignored.  Completely ignored.  I ask again, then tell.  Still nothing.  I am so very frustrated, so much so, that I have to go away so I don't beat them.  Every time I open my mouth to say something, I'm interrupted.  I don't remember the last time I was able to finish a sentance, a mere thought, without someone cutting me off.

Perhaps my problem is that I need adult friends.  I have never been good at having girl friends, and at this stage in my life, it is obviously odd for a lot of men to be friends with me, since I'm married.  I didn't have a best friend in high school here in America.  In college, I had several very close male friends, all of whom I've lost contact with since leaving uni.  I've had several very close friends with whom I worked, but it seems as though the friendships are over if you leave said place of employment.  I haven't had my sister in 13 years, and my mother decided I'm not worthy of being loved anymore.  The two sisters-in-law that I love and adore are so far removed from me now--one in Iowa, the other in California.  There is no one else.

A call out to the universe:  I miss you Michael.  I miss you Matthew.  I miss you Tyson, and you Christopher, and you Shane.  And yes, I even miss you, Daryl.  I have loved, and still love, you all, and miss your friendship desperately.  A call out to the universe:  I desperately desire friends, someone close to my own age, someone with whom I can converse, and find as a soul sibling.  Gods, I am pitiful.  Will everyone see right through me, that I am this pitiful, useless person with no life?  Do I even know how to be a friend anymore?